


What I'm most afraid of

by artsyspikedhair



Series: How Harry Potter Became Harry Weasley- Tales From Hogwarts Boarding School [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Dursley Family, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Autistic Hermione, Black Hermione Granger, Boggarts, Child Neglect, Essays, Fear, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Depression, Lucius Malfoy's A+ Parenting, Physical Abuse, Severus Snape Being a Bastard, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:18:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6328849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin assigns an essay for the first week of school. This is his students responses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Harry Potter, or the Boy Who Lived in Fear of His Relatives, But Really Himself

**Author's Note:**

> Strike-through text is stuff Harry deleted from the essay before handing it in.

I'm going to be honest. When I first heard that you were assigning us an essay on our worst fear for the first week of school, I thought you must be joking. Or bloody mad. Why else would you expect us, children in 6th grade, to know our worst fears well enough to write an essay on it? And why should I trust you? 

But then I actually had my first class with you. You told us we would not have to share these papers out loud. You held me back and told me you knew my parents. So I decided to trust you. (I also decided to hold all of my questions for a later date. I'll probably send them to you in writing. You're an English teacher, so I hope you'll understand how hard talking can be)

So, without further rambling... 

My Worst Fear,  
by Harry Potter 

I am an orphan. Everyone knows that. And so, like everyone without a family, I don't have to fear losing them, because they're already gone. So my worst fear is not losing my parents. 

My real worst fear is losing my sanity. Losing the one thing that lets me stay alive in this cruel world. My aunt and uncle seem to be under the impression I'm not sane. That is why they ~~call me a freak~~ don't like me having an imagination and keep me in the ~~cupboard~~ bedroom on the first floor. But I know I'm sane. I know that I have worth in the world, and that's what allows me to be sometimes fight back against Dudley with my snark. That's what allowed me to submit the application to this school, despite my uncle ~~threatening me with no food~~ and aunt disapproving. 

But there have been times in my life when I lost that belief in myself, when I felt worthless. Those times seemed so urgent and desperate at the time, and when I look back I am terrified of what I could have done to myself. I am terrified of what I let happen to me because I had stopped caring anymore, and so that's my worst fear. Giving up on myself, because for the longest time I was the only person I had. And now that I have people who actually care about me, going back into that place of giving up would be even worse, because I would scare my new friends.


	2. Draco Malfoy's Refusal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco's essay, and his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> His thoughts are _italicized _ ____

Draco Malfoy  


I am not revealing my worst fear to a teacher. If you fail me, my father will hear about this. 

_God, I hope he doesn't actually fail me. Dad would consider me a failure, and then he might use the cane... Goddamnit, I am a failure. My worst fear's my bloody father finding out I'm not the perfect heir he thinks I should be. All I ever wanted from the man was some compassion, but all I get is pain. _ ____

_No, wait, that haggard college student can't fail me. My dad's one of the biggest financial backers at this bloody school. Not to mention Lupin's probably homeless. I need to get some dirt on him. _ ____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin decides not to fail Draco, although this is not because of the reasons Draco thinks it is. Quite frankly, Remus did feel that the prompt might have been too personal, and he admired Draco's (albeit snobbish) courage in standing up to a teacher.


	3. Neville Longbottom, or the Boy Who Fears His Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neville's afraid of Snape.

Neville Longbottom  


My worst fear is stupid, and if the others found out about it, they would laugh at me. Please don't share this with other teachers either. It's really an idiotic fear, I know that but I'm scared anyway because my fear-inducing part of the brain doesn't listen to reason. I'm afraid of Professor Snape. I just don't like him. At first I was scared of him just because of his appearance. He wears all black and his eyes feel like they can see into your soul and I know that it is wrong to be afraid of a teacher because of superficial things so I tried to ignore the feeling in my gut. 

But my foreboding turned out to be _right. _ __I'm no good at physics and Professor Snape knows it. He insults me for it sometimes when I screw up on simple equations or don't understand concepts that "even a blubbering idiot like me" should understand. Honestly, sometimes he's even worse than my grandmother was. Back when she thought I had a learning disability, she would have me study for hours so I'd be up to speed. In Professor Snape's class I feel like I'll have to study for hours, because he just doesn't explain things well, or maybe I just don't get them. Maybe I am a blubbering idiot, but Snape is terrifying. He threatened to kill my pet toad once. I got the toad, Trevor, as a gift for getting into Hogwarts. I don't really feel like I belong here though, and Professor Snape can see that.__

I'm sorry if this is too short for an essay. I don't have anything else to write though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus sent in an anonymous note to Dumbledore after grading this essay, asking him to look into Snape's teaching methods because a student (he didn't mention Neville's name) was complaining of verbal abuse. Unfortunately, Snape was tenured and one of Dumbledore's favorite teachers, so nothing got done.


	4. Hermione Granger and the Fear of Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear is an interesting emotion. It takes different shapes in different people

Hermione Granger

Fear is an interesting emotion. It takes many different forms. For some, fear looks like a flash in their eyes before they cover it up with bravado and anger. In others, fear can cause them to run away from their problems, trying to find escapism in anything they can so they don't have to face themselves. Fear looks like many different things to many different people, and it is an emotion that is found in the more primal part of the brain, the amygdala. Fear can be used as a tool to protect from danger, or it can be used by manipulators to maintain the status quo. Some people inflict fear on themselves, creating anxiety, which is something I personally struggle with, both in social situations and in academic circles. 

I do not like to think about my fears all that much. I prefer to work on my schoolwork, and study in my free time to avoid facing the possibility of failure. Failure is a dangerous creature, because if you fail once it becomes easier to decide to not try next time, because if you all your effort into something and it isn't good enough, there does not really seem to be a point in trying. I am afraid of giving up, because if I do not work in school, then I will not be successful, and as a Black autistic girl in the world, success will not come easily to me even if I do work as hard as possible. So I try to avoid failure whenever possible, and think of it as my biggest fear. 

I am not only afraid of academic failure. I am also afraid of failing socially, of not being good enough at friendship. I am a rather straight-forward person, and sometimes I can be rude or I talk too much about what that interests me, like alchemy and history. At the beginning of the year I had trouble making friends because I liked being the center of attention now that I was boarding school, so sometimes I would answer questions that teachers hadn't called on me for. But ever since the break-in, Ron and Harry have been good friends to me. 

I deal with my fears by trying to be successful and when I do fail, I usually break down and start crying. But recently I have learned some better coping skills from various Professors. I know failure is not the end of the world, and fear is not a completely destructive emotion, although it often seems like it is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus was proud of Hermione for sharing so much about herself in her essay. She seemed like she had a good grasp on who she was, and so he gave her an A.


End file.
